So I have no courage to tell about this to my friends or bsf, so I'm just here venting because I also have no energy to write about it in my diary. So, its about my toxic mom who needs a good therapist or a psychiatrist. I'll tell you from the very start . I know my mom has always been very strict about everything. Yesto point samma ki class 9/10 ma maile ko sanga fb/ messanger ma boleko vandai ma sutepaxi mero sabai mero message check garnu hunthyo. I still remember a time when she beat me very badly. I think I was around 11 or 12 years old. She had asked me to watch the rice because she had cooked it in a pressure cooker. At that time, my neighbor’s father had come back from abroad, and I forgot about the rice and went there because they used to give chocolates to everyone.When I came back, the rice had completely burnt. Later, when my mom returned from work, she locked the door and beat me very badly. I still remember how much I cried. I had stick marks all over my thighs and hands. I don’t remember the exact words she used to say but I do remember the exact moment when I felt, “ I am such a bad child, I am such a stupid child, I should have done better” because of her words, anger and wrath. Aaile ni sano vanda sano galti garda mommy le k vannu hunxa hola vanera dimag ma aauxa. Rather than solving problems. Once, I went to my friend’s house and came back about 10 to 15 minutes late. she scolded me for hours and kept asking, " kaha gais? kina gais? Kta vetna gayis? kasto kura garyis?”” she used to sexualize me me and even said "tah 16 barsa napugi poila vagxes" when I was fucking 14. I understand that when a parent has concern in their heart about their child, they may worry about them going into bad company or making mistakes. Maybe some of the things she did came from that concern, but she went too far. she has never trusted me. She never spoke anything good about me, neither to my friends, nor to my relatives, nor even to me. She used to trust everyone else and show love to every child except me. She would constantly compare me to others, saying things like, “This child has done this,” or “This child is so good,” and then ask, “What are you even doing?” Mind you, I was one of those so-called “good Nepali kids” very obedient, always doing whatever my mom told me, never questioning her, and never disobeying her. I even poll sunauthe to her about my so-called “spoiled(bigreko)” friends to her, just to gain her approval. Oh my God, ask me what I haven’t done just to crave her validation. She used to embarrass me a lot(still does) and even shared my personal and intimate things with my friends(still does), embarrassing me in front of them. Whenever my friends came to my house, she would always start conversations about me and bring up my embarrassing moments. I always used to tell her don’t bring my personal thing with them but she never considered my words. I got a B+ in my boards, and she felt so embarrassed that she told everyone I got an A. On top of that, she even told my friends that she was so embarrassed of me that she had to tell relatives I got an A instead of a B+, right in front of my friends. Then my brother was born. she is still the same mom, but my brother is completely opposite of me. He was never an obedient child. He was very mischievous and did not follow what my mom said. Because of this, he used to get beaten very badly. Also, my father had anger issues, and my parents never gave him a chance to avoid punishment. It was not just random slapping. They used to beat him very harshly. It started with hands, then it escalated to sticks. Now they even use phone chargers to hit him. I have seen blue bruises all over his back, hands, and legs. Now I feel like he has become almost “immune” to the beating. Even when he is hit with a charger, he doesn’t even flinch. And he is only 13 years old. My mom has become more angry and more aggressive since my brother was born. She always thinks negatively. She doesn’t think positively about me neither my bro. She speaks harsh like ""khate sale, ma*ikney, jathi , talai mardinxu, jiudai gadhdinxu, gayera marr, tah ta marnu parthyo and all. She used the same approach with my brother as she did with me—constantly checking his messages, tracking everything he does, where he is going, what he is talking about, and what he is saying. Because of this, he has become a compulsive liar. If he has to go to his friend’s house, which is only 5–10 minutes away, he lies and says he is going to the next neighbor’s house instead. One time, he did the same thing, and when he came back, she beat him very badly with phone chargers. He had bruises all over his hands and back. She even choked him in a corner, grabbed his hair, and hit him repeatedly on his back. She whipped him with a charger on his thighs, hands, and all over his body more than 20 times. In the past, I used to try to stop my mom and dad, and even I was hit with a charger for doing that. But right now, I don’t have the courage anymore. I just stand there and pray for it to end quickly because I don’t know what to do. I have tried everything, but nothing seems to stop her. One time, my brother spoke loudly, and my father started beating him. I tried to stop it, but he pushed me away. In that moment, I did act of like spitting in his face and said, “ thukka k gareko buddi k vako xa”. Thuu garera tah thukina but xitaa haru gayo hola face ma The thing is, no one has ever loved me more than my father and he will kill and get killed for me, and I still feel very guilty for doing that in the heat of the moment. I don’t know if I am a bad daughter or not because my father has shown love to me in many ways, but at the same time, he also behaves very harshly toward my brother when he is angry. he is very angry man but less compared to my mom. Now my brother is 13 years old, and it feels like he has become like my mother. He doesn’t speak to me in a normal way anymore. Even if a small thing doesn’t go his way, he becomes very aggressive and starts cursing at me. I don’t even remember the last time I had a normal conversation with him. He is always shouting and screaming "pagal, gayera marr, kina janmeri, tero bau ko guu kha, khatey, showing middle finger" etc. exact same qords like my parents. i feel scared around me that he'll get angry and have to walk on egg shells. He has almost completely turned into my mother—very aggressive, always yelling, and speaking in a harsh way. At the same time, he has very low confidence. I can still do public speaking and talk normally with people, but my brother cannot even defend himself. When I was his age, I used to stand up for myself, but if someone makes an accusation against him, he just stays silent because he is scared they will beat him. He has been traumatized to the point where he cannot defend himself, because my mother never gives him a chance to speak and always beats directly today, my brother was playing Free Fire. He has become very addicted to it these days. So my mom was scolding him daily but today snatched the phone, and slammed it on the ground. The phone cost around 20,000 to 25,000, and we bought it about a year ago. It was working perfectly fine and had no issues at all. After that, she went to the kitchen, and when it was time to eat, I noticed my mother cried by her voice. then my brother went to school, and after he returned, my mother gave him her phone for about one hour. I think she feels guilty about how she behaves sometimes, but she repeats the same pattern every time. When she gets angry, she becomes like a completely different person. She acts very violent and aggressive—slapping and beating. In those moments, it feels like she cannot see or understand anything else except her anger. But I don’t know what to do because my family feels completely broken. My father is abroad now, and he is the most loving father I have ever seen. As I already said, he loves me a lot and would do anything for me. I also believe my mother loves us, but she seems to be going through some mental issues, and I don’t know how to help her. My brother has become like my mother. My mother behaves unstable and aggressive, and all of this is making me feel like I am losing my mind. I'm going insane as well. K garum k nagarum whole family ko condition dhekhera mero personal life, academic life sabb ma affect garxa. also main thing about me is that, from a very young age, I have not shared my feelings or personal things with my friends. Maybe it is a trauma response of my mom used making me feel embarrassed about the things I shared with her, so now I feel scared, afraid and uncomfortable to open up to anyone. I don’t have the courage to share all of this with anyone. For all these years, I have been enduring everything by myself writing in my diary, crying. Sometimes things get too intense and I try to self-harm but as coward i'm , I can't even do that right so I only scratch myself with my fingers on my arms and thighs. I have lost interest in becoming a mother because I am afraid that I might become like her. I am also scared that my child might turn out like my brother. I don’t want to bring a child into this world only for them to be afraid of me, especially when I am already afraid of myself and everything around me. I truly hope that no child ever has to go through what I went through especially at the hands of their own parents.